I’ve been seeing more and more people on LinkedIn offering fractional executive management services. So here’s a little something for all the freshly baked fractional CxOs out there — these startup-grade part-time magicians who promise “strategic value” at 25% capacity and 0% actual track record.

Strange creatures are haunting the job forums. But why?

If you spend any time on LinkedIn, odds are you’ve seen them, digging away at something they call “strategy.” Last week, they were “Open to Work.” This week, they’re fractional CFOs / COOs / CPOs / C3POs, depending on their rate and how gullible the client is. It’s a biblical transformation.

These people aren’t the result of any boardroom decision. They’re the product of a full-blown identity crisis brought on by six Gary Vee posts and a dusty copy of The Lean Startup. They appear out of nowhere, Batman-style, and slide into your DMs offering to “scale your growth,” “optimize operations,” or “bring clarity to chaos.”

Fun fact: none of these phrases actually mean anything. Try replacing them with “I turn off the hallway light no one asked me to” — same outcome.

Zero experience, loads of gall, and premium-tier self-marketing

Don’t get me wrong — I respect entrepreneurship and the side hustle… when it makes sense and adds value. But this kind of pitch makes about as much sense as your last gig as “CEO of your personal blog.” Or “angel investor” in your cousin’s T-shirt brand. Or “Chief Procurement Officer of Family Vacation 2025.”

Just like you can’t be a CEO if you don’t answer to a board, you can’t be a CxO if the company hiring you doesn’t even have that kind of structure. And let’s be real: a company big enough to need execs doesn’t go bargain hunting on the LinkedIn unemployment board.

If you’ve never run a company, never built a budget, never fired someone, and never presented to a board without sweating through your PowerPoint, you’re not a fractional CxO. You’re just... available. And maybe a little overconfident.

What does a fractional CxO actually do?

• Writes long Slack posts no one reads.
• Offers advice like “Have you tried optimizing this?” without defining what “this” is.
• Blocks the dev team’s calendar for “strategic roadmap alignment.”
• Sends 11 PM Notion links titled “North Star Metrics v3 FINAL_FINAL_REAL.”
• Gets praised when they leave, because suddenly things start moving again.

If that sounds harsh, just remember I’m only being fractionally serious.

The booming business of LinkedIn bios

The real tragedy? How easy it is to become one. In the past, you had to earn a C-level title. Now all it takes is slapping “Fractional” in front of it and boom: you’re a thought leader with 37 followers and a Gumroad ebook titled “How I Scaled Culture.”

Everyone wants to be the brains behind the operation, but no one wants to process payroll. Why? Because real leadership is boring, slow, messy, and legally risky. Fractional is safer. Less responsibility, more buzzwords.

And let’s face it: starting your own “Fractional CXO Boutique” is easier than admitting you’re unemployed and reading Good to Great in the bathtub.

A few closing thoughts from your part-time Blogger-in-Chief

What’s next? Fractional interns? Freelance CEOs for the weekend? CTO rental kiosks in WeWork lobbies?

Probably. And I’m here for it.

Just remember: titles are cheap, but consequences are expensive. If you’re going to fractional your way into relevance, try to leave behind something more than calendar invites and jargon storms.

And if you ever need a fractional satirist, I offer competitive rates, zero deliverables, and strong opinions on everything.